Hi all...

Lets put some LMAO in this forum... Add the jokes u know of here...

I'll start off with this one:

A twenty one year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the
girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house a
mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in
the living room with the father, the mother and the girl,and tells
them, Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $3,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will
be a couple of factories and a $6,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a
factory and $3,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what
do you suggest I do? At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you
try again."

Wishing Well...

Attached Images

Women.jpg (39.8 KB, 98 views)

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer, "May I see your licence?
Lady, "What does it look like?"
Officer, "Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it."
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

***************************************
A brunette and 10 blondes !

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcrop on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn`t happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH SMART ANSWERS

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

WOMAN : You remind me of the sea.
MAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
WOMAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in! one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the
day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the
disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

If girls were programmed in C by god..


struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
};

struct beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
};

struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone ;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
};

struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
};

struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
};

struct old_lady
{
double chin;
short memory;
long sighs;
void attention_from_men;
char chatterbox;
};

struct husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;
};

FINALLY DONT FORGET TO COMPILE THIS PROGRAM

1. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Reply : I don't mind where you die.. as long as you do!

2. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Reply : So, how many times did you fail kindergarten?

3. Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Reply : Yes, they are. I've been running away from you!

4. Are you lost? Because it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Reply : How many times have you been to heaven, anyway?

5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

Reply : Yeah.. why don't you walk by and just keep walking!

6. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

Reply : What are you on? Crack or cocaine?

7. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Reply : (too corny.. maybe a disgusted look would be enough)

8. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.

Reply : You can be sure of going to hell.. your stupidity will assure you of a place!

9. if I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Reply : So, that's your problem.. simple algebra!

lmao Libranguy - you're too funny!

Do u no y god made men first and women second?
because you always need to have a rough draft before you make a masterpiece!

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked?

"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl !!!"

hahaha! Oi, we got funny peeps here.